Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
