the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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