I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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