a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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