That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
