the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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