all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
