dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
