a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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