Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You made out with two different species that night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
