Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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