As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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