I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
