hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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