So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
