My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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