Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize