Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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