You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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