My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
