I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
