I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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