i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
