He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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