Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
