you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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