Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I stole a fireplace last night.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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