apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
