plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
organizing the empties. That sober.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
