Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
