Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
