My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
