I'm gonna have a badass scar
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
