butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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