My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
