I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
