Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
