also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
