So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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