Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
