you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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