I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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