I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
false alarm, still single
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
