Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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