It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
