I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think my moral compass just broke
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