I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
