Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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