I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
