i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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