What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
