I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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