Your mouth is God's brothel.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
