sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
