Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
