the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
