No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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