she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize