i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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