there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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