I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
