Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
