I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
