I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
