So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
