the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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