Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
