I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
