you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
