I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
