I think I won the penis lottery.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
