I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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